This N That

Ok so mom started her chemo on Thursday, she felt real good afterwards. Then I guess it suddenly hit her on Saturday night. She is sick. Was really hoping she would make it through it without getting sick.
Spent the afternoon Saturday on the lawnmower. Let me tell you, it pays to have a cell phone in your pocket when you are mowing. It comes in real handy when you see snakes and you don't want to get off the mower so you can't figure out what to do, just send Steve a text and let him come with the shovel after you have already chased down the snake and cut it up with the mower blade. That was the excitement of the weekend.
T'Pel learned what a switch was and what it is used for. Now she sees it and runs the other way. Tuvok sees it and runs down the street like he is running away from home. It's a never ending battle with the two of them.

Live for today...

No Smoking

Well I have gone Non-Smoking! I am hoping it gets better before it makes me go insane! Gum is my new best friend. When we found out mom has cancer, Tam looked at me and said "you need to quit smoking" I told her I would when we get through this with mom. Well, I changed my mind and said why use that as an excuse, it is time. Now I am wondering what I have done to myself!!


Tuvok and T'Pel got new clothes from Auntie Vicky, well of course T'Pel loves her new dress, but Tuvok, he isn't too sure about his new ties. I have to tell him to let me get a picture then he can take it off, that is the only way he will sit still long enough for everybody else to see what he looks like in the tie.

Live life for today....

Please don't tell me!

Please don't tell me you know how I feel, unless you have lost your child too. Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal, because that is just not true. Please don't tell me my son is in a better place, though it is true, I want him here with me. Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face, beyond today I cannot see. Don't tell me it is time to move on, because I cannot. Don't tell me to face the fact he is gone, because denial is something I can't stop. Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had, because I wanted more. Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad, I'll never be as I was before. What you can tell me is you will be here for me. That you will listen when I talk of my child. You can share with me my precious memories. You can even cry with me for a while. And please don't hesitate to say his name because it's something I long to hear every day. Friends please realize that I can never be the same, but if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday!!
This was sent to me, and I love it. It sums everything up as to what has been going on. It is words I want to say to so many people!! 77 days today, and seems like it was just yesterday!

Why?

23 years, 4 months and 1 day ago God put sunshine in my life, in the form of my baby boy. We had some bad times but mostly good times. He truely was the apple of my eye! Then 2 months ago today, God took him home. Why did He have to take him? God, how I miss him. I miss hearing his voice every day, I miss seeing his smiling face, I miss smelling his cologne, I truely miss everything about him, good and bad! Some people don't understand why still the pain and sadness! I say to those people, you haven't lost a child. There is no love in this world like a Mom's love for her child. I pray every day for God to let me go to sleep and never wake up again just so I can be with my son and out of this pain. Maybe this is selfish of me, for it would leave another Mom in pain. It is just so difficult with seeing the black whole that surrounds me and barely holding my head up out of it, to not pray for it all to end. Spent the day with my grandsons last weekend. To hear Duce keep repeating over and over, "my daddy night night" is totally heartbreaking. Then to see Little Man get so upset that he keeps saying it, that he turns to him and says "Daddy is not sleeping, he is dead" makes it all so real, out of the mouths of babes! A 2 and a half year old that doesn't understand and a 5 and a half year old that understands too well! I really don't know where I am going with this, just having a somber day.

Skylar Zentner Young, I I love you with all my heart son, one day we will be together again.

Live life for today....

Turning Point

Ok so maybe I am reaching a turning point in my life. I felt like a teen in high school again last night. Tam called me and asked if she got the birthday/mother's day gift she asked Cole for if I would like to go to a concert with her. This concert is Cheap Trip, Poison and Def Leppard! Can you believe all 3 the same place at the same time! This would be a dream come true! So of course the answer was Hell Yea!

Went to dinner with the family last night, got to see my Duce, I haven't seen him since January 30. He is so awesome, and let me tell you the child loves sour things. We finally had to take the lemons away from him, I then gave him my pickle, which he loved. He is just a little ray of sunshine in all the fog!

Peacefullness

Every morning since I finally sleeping after Skylar died, I have been waking at 3:22. Sunday morning for the first time I didn't. I was so upset! I really wanted to go to the cemetery but didn't have the gas or the money to go. I called my mother in law and asked her if she would take me and of course she did. While I was there, the most amazing thing happened, something I will never forget and I didn't want it to end. I know Skylar was there with me! This gave me so much peace! I truely wish everyone who has lost a loved one could experience what I did, I promise it would change lives! I'm not a "religious" person, I am however very spiritual. This experience made me look to heaven and thank God for what He had allowed me to see and feel. I really haven't quit smiling since then!

Live for today......

Forwarded Poem

My dear son! I miss you so much
It keeps hurting, I can't stop crying
My eyes always search for you in the sky

My dear son! I love you so much
I feel so empty without you
I am so scared of my future without you
Heart longs for being around you for my safety

My dear son! You are my angel
I still feel that you are caring for me from above
I tell my broken heart that you are still watching me
Heart longs for your care even from heaven

My dear son! You are my protector
I remember you when I feel lonely
I talk to you when I break into pieces
Heart longs for your support from heaven

My dear son! I was thinking I gave you life
The reality is that you had given me life
Without your presence, I can't exist
Heart longs for your company in my heart you exist
Please be there in my heart........ I love you Son!

I absolutely love this poem...it says it all!