Christmas

Christmas this year will not be happening for us. Hayden will get what he wants, Duce will also have his when we finally get to see him. Even though people don't want to hear me say this, it has been the hardest year of my entire life! Not even doing all the drugs and being disowned by basically everybody I know or getting off the drugs and saving my life or the horrible times I have had in my life has been as bad as this year. Fault me if you will, but don't judge me until you have walked in my shoes.
Some may think it should be easy to get on with my life, some think I should care about other things that are going on around me, well let me tell you the truth, I am as happy as I can be with my life right now, nothing anybody can say or do will ruin that. I just want to be able to live my life and get to have the time I deserve with my grandsons.
I am living out the words of my Aunt Ruby! On January 23, 2009 she told me "baby this pain will never go away" (and she should know) " Don't let anybody tell you what to do or what not to do, you have to do what you feel is right for you" Thanks Aunt Ruby, you are so right!
What will tomorrow bring? Who knows, but I know I am finally after many years being true to myself!

Live for today!

I love and miss you my son!

Making Memories

Hayden was over again on Friday night, he has proclaimed that Fridays are his day and night with Momo and Poppa! We have so much fun. Before our visit with him on Friday, we decided to go to Walmart to buy some things to keep him from getting bored. Last weekend that he came, he was trying to get Poppa to teach him how to juggle using shoes, well I can tell you that didn't work out too well, Momo's feet are small, but not that small. So we bought 3 Poppa sized balls to juggle with and in order to get balls small enough for Hayden's hands we had to buy 3 sets of jacks. Then we had to look at the board games, 500,000 points in Yatzee is a bit much! So we decided on Trouble. Poppa decided to get him some "Bubba" teeth that he could take out since his own don't come out! (anybody who knows Poppa knows what that means) Then it was off to the video store where kids movies are free! Fox and the Hound and Fox and the Hound 2 were hits with him! Strike one up for Momo, they were my choices! Anyway, Hayden will be a juggling pro in no time, I just know it! He loves to play jacks too, we had a blast in the floor playing. Did you know they make them huge and plastic now? Makes it harder to pick up 10 at a time! Ok now to the game Trouble! Well, for a beginner, he beat us not once but twice and this was fair and square, well almost completely! He says there is no way he can lose, and at Momo and Poppa's that is a true fact!
The whole reason for this blog is making memories is so important in life! Anybody who reads my blog, if you get nothing else out of it other than that, I will be happy!

Live life for today!

Happy Birthday Angel

Happy Birthday to Our Son! We love and miss you like crazy. When you were born 24 years ago our lives were changed forever. We could not have guessed then how the unconditional love of a child would feel. You brought many smiles, laughs, and tears into our lives. You brought us two beautiful grandsons to love and cherish, and we promise to never let them forget their daddy. We will be forever grateful to you for showing us how to live again and for bringing us home.You will be forever in our hearts and on our minds.
R.I.P. Our Guardian Angel, we love and miss you Momma and Dad


Dream as though you will live forever, Live as though you will die tomorrow

Rekindled Love

Teen pregnancies, teen marriages and teen divorces, I know all 3 very well! You see, I was pregnant and married at 16, gave birth to my son (RIP) 3 weeks after turning 17, divorced at age 18! Went on with my life full of ups and downs. Then 22 years later found my first love again! If your love can last that long being away from each other, then it must say something about some teenage love!
Sometimes when we are talking, it feels as though we are in 1985 again! What an awesome feeling! We were apart through the years of our son growing up, but we will be together watching our grandsons grow and will be a part of their lives the way it should be!
For anybody who lost that love of your life and has never known love again, I am truely sorry for you!
Live your life the way YOU want to, not how others want you to! I love you Roy!

Dream as though you will live forever, live as though you will die tomorrow! RIP my Angel

Hayden

Spending a day and night with our grandson! What a good time we had! Go to pick him up and get a tour of their new house man is it nice! Hayden had to show us his fort, these old bones are getting too old, but it was fun climbing up into it and seeing him so excited! Then it was off to the video store to take an hour picking out a scary movie! That's always an experience! Then to McDonalds to get dinner then home! We watched his "scary" movie about sharks since his movies always come first! Then, have you ever seen a 6 year old play Yatzee? Well I'll tell you it's pretty fun, but did you know it's possible to get a gazillion points in one game of Yatzee? Well it is if Poppa is helping you with your score! He also had fun drawing tattoos on Momo's arm! Then to bed watching Back to the Future! He likes time travel! Our next day started early, 6:20 to be exact! Breakfast was good, he even asked for more! Then it was off to Nana's and the park! Did you know that girls worry too much? That's what Poppa and Hayden think anyway! At the park he got a history lesson on coal miners, which he thought was cool! Then our time was up so he went to Nessa's house! He had to show us that he can infact ride his bike without training wheels, because he wants a dirt bike! He tried to pop a wheely and crashed, poor boy! He is such a sweetheart, thanks Lee for being such a good mom and letting us be a part of Hayden's life!

Days come and go

Can somebody please tell me how I am supposed to make it through the next 3 months? My birthday came and to keep from going completely crazy, I slept all day! Now I have Skylar's birthday to make it through on the 22nd of this month! How do you do this? I guess if you haven't lost a child of your own you really don't know that pain! People say move on, well I say to these people, you go through what I have, then you can tell me just how to move on!! Until then, if you can't just listen to me when I need to talk about my son, then don't bother having anything to do with me! Then we have the holidays coming up, and OMG I can't even think of January being here again! I love you my angel!

My Dearest Son

In the words of George Jones, with a few changes:

Imagine a world with no 2Pac rap songs,
Then think of a club where nobody's drinking,
If you ever looked up at the sky with no blue,
Then you seen a picture of me without you!

Did you walk in a garden where nothing was growing,
Or stand by a river where nothing was flowing,
If you seen a red rose unkissed by the dew,
Then you seen a picture of me without you!

Can you picture Heaven with no angels singing,
Or a quiet Saturday night with nobody partying?
If you watched as the hearts of your boys broke into,
Then you know what life's like for us without you!

I can't even begin to say how I am feeling, I am seeing that dark place again and I know it's because of the time! I love and miss you my son!

One More Day

Sunday was 7 months! Man is time flying by or what? It was a sad day then turned out to be a good day! Me and Roy had looked at a house on the lake (The Lake House) but the owners had more people to look at it. We found out on Sunday that we get to move into it! We are so excited and can't wait! The signs were all there, I was just being doubtful! You walk out the front door and across the yard on the back of a storage shed is a sun and a moon, anybody who truly know me, knows what that means! Then looking at the pull string for the ceiling fan in the living room, had a bird on it! Took Hayden with us to see the house and pay the deposit, he liked it until he realized there was nothing to do right at that moment, then he was bored!
I love and miss you my son!!

Live life for today!!!

Getting on....

6 months ago today we buried our son! What a day to remember, it was then that we admitted we still loved each other. Thank you for being there, I really do love you!
I threw the first shovel of dirt on the grave, Roy threw the next several shovel fulls on. Why can't we just have him back? Only God knows why he was taken from us at such an early age. I know we have all the memories, sometimes that just isn't enough! I long to see his face, hear his voice, touch his hands, have him come in the house saying Momma look at my new tat or see a new piercing he has. Or even just to hear him say "Momma I love you"!
RIP my angel, until I see you again!
Dream as though you'll live forever, Live as though you'll go tomorrow!

Live life for today.....

1/2 a year

Six months today. What a somber day. Seems like it was just yesterday on some days, others, seems like it was a lifetime ago. I miss him so much. He was my first and only baby! I think about him constantly. 12:45 this morning, he is all that was on my mind! Who is he, well he is Skylar Zentner Young I, born 11/22/85 died 01/23/09! The day my world came crashing in around me. I hear other people talking about how they wish they could just get rid of their kids for a while and it makes me really sad and angry, because oh how I wish I could have just one more day with mine! Got the autopsy report yesterday, finally, and that opened it all wide open again, spent the day reading that and having his life flashing before my eyes, from birth till we buried him. There were a couple of things on there that I didn't notice at the hospital, his dad says they looked through a microscope, we were looking through tears. You would think a momma would notice things on her child. I looked at his hands, his feet, his face, his arms, his legs, his chest, his everything.

Skylar Zentner, momma loves you and always will!!

Live life for today......

Finally....

Well it has been a while since I have been on here so I thought maybe it was time. Life is so wonderful these days, the boys are getting big, Hayden will be turning 6 the 5th of next month, Duce is almost 3. Man how fast they grow. I got to spend the day with them on Friday! We had lots of fun, even though I was wore out at the end of the day. Hayden learned how to call Poppa from my phone, BIG MISTAKE!! When I told him no, he just called Poppa and he said yes. Duce has learned a few new "choice phrases" that aren't so good for him to be saying.
I am so happy to have the love of my life back in my life now. It is like we were never apart.
We have been going to visit our son on the weekends. Went last Sunday and I was Okay, I haven't been Okay in a long time. I was really disappointed in myself for feeling this way. That is until everyone kept telling me it is Okay to be Okay, and Skylar wouldn't want me to be the way I have been.
Life is Wonderful, but remember, you only have today, tomorrow is never promised.

Live life for today.....

Lemonade??

When life throws you lemons, do you make lemonade? Sure have been making a lot of it lately! It is so nice to be living out of all the drama and chaos I have known for so long! Wonderful to be happy again! My Tuvok and T'Pel went to a new home, hope they will be happy, thanks Aunt Tammie for taking such good care of them! The birds are adjusting and happy as ever!! They are talking more now than they ever have! I love it!

Live life for today.....

5 Months

Today has been five months since that terrible phone call, seems like it was just yesterday! I love and miss you so much my son!

Live life for today!!

Weekend

What a weekend, Tam has the pups, so I was there every morning and evening taking care of them while she was away on vacation. Went to McAlester and got a new car, that I love, it has A/C, a radio with a cd player that works, the horn works, I have a key that will get into every door and the trunk and the windshield wipers work!!! I feel like I am really moving up in the world! Loads of laundry were done, some unpacking was done, had to come back to work just to get a break!!
Went to the cemetery on Saturday, took a Mustang and put on Skylar's grave, this was a hard visit with him, first time in 5 years I haven't been able to call and say Happy Father's Day son. Tried to look at cards, however, that was not happening! Had to get out of the store.

Live life for today!

Moving on in Life

Ok so I finally done it, the move is almost complete, a few odds and ends left to get out of the house. It is time for me to be me and find out who me really is! Steve is going to be upset, but I think he will get over it. I got an apt that is perfect for me and the critters. Just hope the birds don't get too loud that the neighbors complain! I think my life will continue to improve from here. The way things have just fallen into place, I think this is a God thing.
I have been through so much in my life, that it is time for some happiness!!

Live life for today....

To My Son

My son, my baby boy! I miss you so much! I think it will never quit hurting so bad! I dream about you, I think about you every waking minute. I want you back in my life, so I can hug you and kiss you and wipe your tears away and tell you everything is going to be ok. We could play basketball together, go for a drive, ride the motorcycles, shoot the gun, sit on the porch and talk or any of the many things we used to do. I really don't know how to live my life without you in it. I pick up my phone to call you, and realize I can't. I find myself wondering when you are going to call, just to remember you aren't! I want so bad to be able to talk to you! I talk to you every morning driving to work then through out the day and driving home from work, then through out the evening. I wonder if you are hearing what I am saying. I long to hear your voice and see your face in real life. I know you sent me the message that everything would be ok, but I'm not ok. I feel like I am just dieing inside and nothing can stop it. I just want to go to the cemetery and lay by your graveside and never leave there. Tomorrow is 4 months since we laid you to rest. How could time keep going when you are gone? I love you forever and a day!

Live life for today.....

One of those days!!

Ever had one of those days, where as soon as your eyes open in the morning, you feel as though something isn't right?? Well today is one of those days for me! Seems no matter what I do, just can't shake the feeling.
Dreamed about Skylar last night, man what a dream! He was there bigger than life in my face telling me he misses me and was happy to see me. Has he not been seeing me? They say, people that have passed on sometimes come to you in your dreams!
I don't know, maybe it's me, been in a funk all week, can't seem to get out of it. Probably because Saturday is 4 months since Sky died. Man some days it seems like it was just yesterday.
I know you guys that read my blog are probably tired of hearing about this, but sorry!
I have to get it out somehow! This seems like the perfect place to do it, I can just type how I am feeling and get it all out!
I love and miss him so much! Been working on a couple of projects with the pics I have of him. They are gonna turn out awesome!

Live life for today....

Graduate

Well my Little Man graduated from K-1 last night. Let me tell you it was a fantastic night, one to remember. We are so proud of him. Afterward, we took him to eat at the place of his choice. He chose a mexican food resturant that wasn't too bad. We had Duce there with us, Mom and Dad, Aunt Dadda and Aunt Mammie! What a fun family time. Hayden and Duce were playing with my camera and took several pics, some good, some of the table, LOL! We also learned that there is a girl in Hayden's class that he is, by his own words, "so in love with". Aunt Mammie had to do some investigating to find out which one she was, he told us her name then pointed her out in one of the many pics that were taken. Well needless to say, she is a little cutie pie!
Well that's about all I have for today.

Live life for today....

Rainy Days

What a wet and cold weekend, I done almost nothing except sit on the sofa covered up with my Harley blankie, T'Pel on one side and Tuvok on the other. The birds got taken care of, everybody else was on their own.
Now at work and it is still raining. First of the month, billing time. A really busy time for me. I have to say it makes it easier to sit in my office and do what I have to do when it is raining.
Talked to Hayden, he is so precious. I asked him what he was doing, he told me he was trying to find the big hole in the earth that was in the picture, but he didn't see a hole. He kept asking me where it was, well I was on the phone and he was at Grannie and Poppy's so I couldn't see what he was looking at. He says Aunt Dadda sent him pictures to his house too but he didn't get them. Patty and Jimmy went on vacation to the Grand Canyon, hence the "big hole in the earth" he was looking for.
Sunday is Mother's Day....Not looking forward to it at all.

Live life for today.....

Meet the birds

Toy, double-yellow-head amazon, Gussie Jo, blue & gold macaw and Peppy, blue-front amazon. Toy is momma's baby, Gussie Jo is momma's baby love.

Toy Loves to talk and has a large vocabulary, will argue with you about anything. Peppy, you never know what he is going to be stuck on each day, usually it "hello" or "whacha doin" or singing "Old Macdonald". Gussie Jo only knows one word that he says on a daily basis and that is "Momma", his Auntie Vicky heard what she thought was "hello". So I wonder if he will ever really talk like the 2 amazons. If he doesn't that's ok, I love him anyway. And, yes, Auntie Vicky, he is still just a baby, he will learn.
Well I just wanted to post these pictures for some people that have started reading my blog.

Live life for today.....