Why?

23 years, 4 months and 1 day ago God put sunshine in my life, in the form of my baby boy. We had some bad times but mostly good times. He truely was the apple of my eye! Then 2 months ago today, God took him home. Why did He have to take him? God, how I miss him. I miss hearing his voice every day, I miss seeing his smiling face, I miss smelling his cologne, I truely miss everything about him, good and bad! Some people don't understand why still the pain and sadness! I say to those people, you haven't lost a child. There is no love in this world like a Mom's love for her child. I pray every day for God to let me go to sleep and never wake up again just so I can be with my son and out of this pain. Maybe this is selfish of me, for it would leave another Mom in pain. It is just so difficult with seeing the black whole that surrounds me and barely holding my head up out of it, to not pray for it all to end. Spent the day with my grandsons last weekend. To hear Duce keep repeating over and over, "my daddy night night" is totally heartbreaking. Then to see Little Man get so upset that he keeps saying it, that he turns to him and says "Daddy is not sleeping, he is dead" makes it all so real, out of the mouths of babes! A 2 and a half year old that doesn't understand and a 5 and a half year old that understands too well! I really don't know where I am going with this, just having a somber day.

Skylar Zentner Young, I I love you with all my heart son, one day we will be together again.

Live life for today....

Turning Point

Ok so maybe I am reaching a turning point in my life. I felt like a teen in high school again last night. Tam called me and asked if she got the birthday/mother's day gift she asked Cole for if I would like to go to a concert with her. This concert is Cheap Trip, Poison and Def Leppard! Can you believe all 3 the same place at the same time! This would be a dream come true! So of course the answer was Hell Yea!

Went to dinner with the family last night, got to see my Duce, I haven't seen him since January 30. He is so awesome, and let me tell you the child loves sour things. We finally had to take the lemons away from him, I then gave him my pickle, which he loved. He is just a little ray of sunshine in all the fog!

Peacefullness

Every morning since I finally sleeping after Skylar died, I have been waking at 3:22. Sunday morning for the first time I didn't. I was so upset! I really wanted to go to the cemetery but didn't have the gas or the money to go. I called my mother in law and asked her if she would take me and of course she did. While I was there, the most amazing thing happened, something I will never forget and I didn't want it to end. I know Skylar was there with me! This gave me so much peace! I truely wish everyone who has lost a loved one could experience what I did, I promise it would change lives! I'm not a "religious" person, I am however very spiritual. This experience made me look to heaven and thank God for what He had allowed me to see and feel. I really haven't quit smiling since then!

Live for today......

Forwarded Poem

My dear son! I miss you so much
It keeps hurting, I can't stop crying
My eyes always search for you in the sky

My dear son! I love you so much
I feel so empty without you
I am so scared of my future without you
Heart longs for being around you for my safety

My dear son! You are my angel
I still feel that you are caring for me from above
I tell my broken heart that you are still watching me
Heart longs for your care even from heaven

My dear son! You are my protector
I remember you when I feel lonely
I talk to you when I break into pieces
Heart longs for your support from heaven

My dear son! I was thinking I gave you life
The reality is that you had given me life
Without your presence, I can't exist
Heart longs for your company in my heart you exist
Please be there in my heart........ I love you Son!

I absolutely love this poem...it says it all!

Hell on Paws

Ok so Tuvok and T'Pel have gotten really close. Tuvok just turned 2 and I had forgotten what it is like to have a much younger puppy in the house. With T'Pel, anything that hits the floor is hers! So she thinks anyway. While cleaning out her bed, I find Peppy's coconut shell that goes in his cage, a perch chewed all to pieces, a ball (which is hers), Tuvok's favorite chew bone, a sock (one of my new ones), Steve's wrist brace and a dental bone, all this "hid" under her Green Bay Packers blankie that Auntie Vicky made for her. How can one 2 pound 4 month old puppy gather and hide all this stuff? Tuvok was NEVER like this, however, I do remember Munchkin being almost this bad. We also tried on our cute little bumble bee dress again this weekend just to see if if fits yet, and it does! This means we now know what size so we can have another Packers dress to show our love for football, I'm sure if she could find a football, it would be in her bed also!

The 4 puppies moved outside yesterday and they love it. B'Elana, on the other hand isn't quite so sure. She still wants to be in the room. She gets to go in and sit on her sofa all by herself. I got attacked this morning when I walked out the door by 4 starving little babies so I had to turn around and go back and get their food, for this they loved me!

I will quit rambling for now.....

Live for Today...

Strange Light

Some people may think I am crazy, however, the time at night for Skylar to call me was between 3 and 4 am. As I am sleeping on the sofa the other night, something sat me straight up at 3:22 AM. I seen a funny shaped light on the blanket hanging between the living room and kitchen. I turned to see if someone was driving down the dirt road towards our house but the curtains were closed and no light coming through them. I then had to get up and see if it was coming from the kitchen side, still no light there. The light stayed for a while, so I had a talk with Skylar. Talk about strange, but very calming. If only we people on earth could know what really happens after death.

Note to Tam, don't fight back the tears, that is a cleansing part of life. There isn't a day goes by that I am able to go without crying for what seems like hours!

On a brighter note: The puppies have found their bark! They will be 5 weeks old tomorrow and ready to be adopted on Feb 27.

Sky's of blue

Have you looked up into the sky lately? Today the sky is beautiful blue! Last night all the stars were out and shining so bright as I lay in my living room with the lights out, I was looking out the window up into the sky. There were millions of stars, so cool. Makes me wonder what it would be like to be up there seeing first hand up close what they are really like. I do believe it would be so awesome.
Not too much more to say.....Live for today!